An attempt to help explain the mysteries and magic that are part and parcel of 'probation'.
Monday, 9 December 2013
That Letter Decoded
That letter from Chris Grayling last week to all probation staff has been decoded and can be found on a brand new blog site 50shadesofgrayling's Blog. I hope they don't mind me republishing it here:- All Probation Staff
5 December 2013
IMPLEMENTATION of the TRANSFORMING REHABILITATION REFORMS
Blimey it’s all going a bit Pete Tong and I had better do something to show that I am in control. I wanted to write to you to say all that Blaa Blaa but you have not been doing what I wanted you to do so I have to write something else now. I know you are thinking about how to vote, but by looking at what will be left after I have dismantled Probation there must be a chance of making a life raft for us all. I know you offered to do the short term stuff for free but I did not understand that anybody would do that. Aren’t you interested in being paid for this? Don’t worry about the reoffending rate, it is really the reconviction rate and the dismantling we are doing to the Police and Courts will ensure that nobody gets caught for their crimes.
The most important part of opening up the market is to ensure that I have a chance of a job after I get kicked out of Parliament. Thank god I will have a chance of having 21 companies who might offer me a job.
Our “austerity” measure will ensure that we pretend that we are making cuts but also investing in those companies that we own. The MP’s pay rise won’t go that far you know. I don’t really want to talk about the cost of high prison population because the staff in NOMS don’t want me to do that. The only chance we have is if we can get people to do this for free. Anyway what does Probation know about reducing reoffending anyway? Incremental, yes I’ll say that because it does not look like any dramatic changes are possible.
I know that I have succeeded in my first task of dividing you lot to make conquering you easier and you really are faced with the choice of bland responsibility avoiding civil service or private companies driven by the need to make profits. There will be chance for you to be taken for granted in both organisations and because we don’t know what the heck to do we will give you a choice to do whatever you think. “What Works” that sounds good shall I slip in a Probation catch phrase here to show I think I know what I am talking about. I have to call it evolution now because I can’t see that anything will change in April.
What do you mean 25% of the posts remain unfilled, especially as I am cutting the post currently filled. Who do these chiefs think they are? Why won’t they listen to me and just do what they are told to. Get me somebody, anybody in to fill the gap and do it now.
We have absolutely no idea how to do this split thing so I want to make it really clear from the out that this will be part of the legacy of things I will blame the Trusts for. Nothing to do with me.
Again I am going to point out that we will support Trusts so not our responsibility. When I say understand please be assured that I have been told I must mention this to appear to care. I want the Case Manager to be named at all times so that when it goes wrong I can immediately identify who held the case at the time so they can be blamed. Also the consultation will be done with the Trust leadership. I have to use that phrase because the Trust will not exist in any meaningful way as I will need to have somebody to point accusations at.
Yea yea safely etc. I must point out in a veiled way that this is the “first phase” so that when you are all made redundant in a few months’ time I can probably flag this letter as part of my consultation process. Keep communication with your managers and for god’s sake don’t contact me so that when I appear before Parliament have a suitable buffer between me and this programme so I can deny all knowledge. I want real world solutions not ones that exist in your silly Laa Laa world.
Strange that you didn’t agree to anything, but we did not need your agreement for most of it so that does not matter. Most importantly we managed to stack so much in the last meeting that agreement was impossible. Sorry did not mean to say “we” as I have denied it to the Justice committee on 4/12/13. Right bored with talking at you lot now so moving on to consider my pay rise. You know parliament is powerless to stop this, we can invade countries, dismantle public services, award lucrative contracts to our friends, appoint them to the House of Lords, claim whatever we want for our expenses, employ our relatives etc. but we cannot in any way prevent our pay rise.