Monday, 9 December 2013

That Letter Decoded

That letter from Chris Grayling last week to all probation staff has been decoded and can be found on a brand new blog site 50shadesofgrayling's Blog. I hope they don't mind me republishing it here:-

All Probation Staff
5 December 2013
Blimey it’s all going a bit Pete Tong and I had better do something to show that I am in control. I wanted to write to you to say all that Blaa Blaa but you have not been doing what I wanted you to do so I have to write something else now. I know you are thinking about how to vote, but by looking at what will be left after I have dismantled Probation there must be a chance of making a life raft for us all. I know you offered to do the short term stuff for free but I did not understand that anybody would do that. Aren’t you interested in being paid for this? Don’t worry about the reoffending rate, it is really the reconviction rate and the dismantling we are doing to the Police and Courts will ensure that nobody gets caught for their crimes.
The most important part of opening up the market is to ensure that I have a chance of a job after I get kicked out of Parliament. Thank god I will have a chance of having 21 companies who might offer me a job.
Our “austerity” measure will ensure that we pretend that we are making cuts but also investing in those companies that we own. The MP’s pay rise won’t go that far you know. I don’t really want to talk about the cost of high prison population because the staff in NOMS don’t want me to do that. The only chance we have is if we can get people to do this for free. Anyway what does Probation know about reducing reoffending anyway? Incremental, yes I’ll say that because it does not look like any dramatic changes are possible.
I know that I have succeeded in my first task of dividing you lot to make conquering you easier and you really are faced with the choice of bland responsibility avoiding civil service or private companies driven by the need to make profits. There will be chance for you to be taken for granted in both organisations and because we don’t know what the heck to do we will give you a choice to do whatever you think. “What Works” that sounds good shall I slip in a Probation catch phrase here to show I think I know what I am talking about. I have to call it evolution now because I can’t see that anything will change in April.
What do you mean 25% of the posts remain unfilled, especially as I am cutting the post currently filled. Who do these chiefs think they are? Why won’t they listen to me and just do what they are told to. Get me somebody, anybody in to fill the gap and do it now.
We have absolutely no idea how to do this split thing so I want to make it really clear from the out that this will be part of the legacy of things I will blame the Trusts for. Nothing to do with me.
Again I am going to point out that we will support Trusts so not our responsibility. When I say understand please be assured that I have been told I must mention this to appear to care. I want the Case Manager to be named at all times so that when it goes wrong I can immediately identify who held the case at the time so they can be blamed. Also the consultation will be done with the Trust leadership. I have to use that phrase because the Trust will not exist in any meaningful way as I will need to have somebody to point accusations at.
Yea yea safely etc. I must point out in a veiled way that this is the “first phase” so that when you are all made redundant in a few months’ time I can probably flag this letter as part of my consultation process. Keep communication with your managers and for god’s sake don’t contact me so that when I appear before Parliament have a suitable buffer between me and this programme so I can deny all knowledge. I want real world solutions not ones that exist in your silly Laa Laa world.
Strange that you didn’t agree to anything, but we did not need your agreement for most of it so that does not matter. Most importantly we managed to stack so much in the last meeting that agreement was impossible. Sorry did not mean to say “we” as I have denied it to the Justice committee on 4/12/13. Right bored with talking at you lot now so moving on to consider my pay rise. You know parliament is powerless to stop this, we can invade countries, dismantle public services, award lucrative contracts to our friends, appoint them to the House of Lords, claim whatever we want for our expenses, employ our relatives etc. but we cannot in any way prevent our pay rise.
Best wishes,
Chris Grayling


  1. There are two bits of news today that should make Grayling feel a bit queazy. Theres the announcement that his good buddy IDS is to be grilled by parliament for failings to Universal Credits. He did say only in September that everything was fine with it and it would all come together on time. He obviously knew then it wasn't possible given the time scale but still lied. Grayling is also now aware that his time scale for TR is also in dire and deep disarray. So whos next into the parliamentry hot seat to answer questions on spectacular failings? It could be you Chris!!
    The second concern for Grayling is this report regarding the 'big society'.

    The big society idea is fundamental to Graylings idea for TR, but appears that its not all that its cracked up to be. Grayling thought that he would sell probation to his friends in the big corporations and they would recruit all they needed from the voluntary and social sector. After all you don't need to be paid if you're daft enough to still have a social conscience do you?
    But the government have taken this sector too much for granted and asked to much already without reward. So Graylings idea of big society stepping up and doing a vast amount of TR work for nothing isn't going to happen.
    So Mr. Grayling its plan B. There isn't one? Oh dear. Well you'd best watch what happens to IDS, because you will most certainly be next.

    1. The big society is "a policy better suited to the leafy suburbs" than deprived communities, where many small charities working with vulnerable people are in danger of going bust, an audit of David Cameron's social initiative has found.

      The thinktank Civil Exchange said a "big society gap" has opened up with levels of charitable giving, volunteering and social action strongest in wealthy areas and among privileged professional middle-class groups.

      Although general principles of the policy have cross-party support and are here to stay, the big society is "failing to live up to its own rhetoric" and its credibility has been undermined because it is seen a cover for spending cuts, it adds.

      Cameron set out his big society vision in 2010 as a positive way of putting local people in control of services, generating more social cohesion and trust, increasing volunteering, and opening up a bigger role for charities and social enterprises in the design and running of public services.

      But the audit said the policy, which is now rarely mentioned by the prime minister, was faltering owing to public-spending cuts, widening social inequalities, and declining levels of trust, while large private firms such as Serco, G4S, Capita and Atos take the lion's share of government contracts.

      Caroline Slocock, director of Civil Exchange and principal author of the report, said although reports of the death of big society were exaggerated, there were few signs that it had helped create a better or more united society, and plenty of evidence that many of its supposed beneficiaries had been left out.

      "Millions of people, especially those who might need it most, are being excluded from the big society, as cuts hits them hardest and trust in others – the social glue that holds the big society together – fails to bind disadvantaged communities."

      Volunteers have taken over local assets such as libraries, swimming pools, post offices and pubs, but the big society "class divide" means this is more likely to be happening in well-off neighbourhoods and be driven by highly educated middle-class professionals.

  2. There is a weather report this morning from #Mactailgunner's cockpit: -

    Meanwhile Lord Ramsbotham and other national speakers at London Conference to day - VERY CRITICAL - Some folk are 'tweeting live' using #tag #TRCONFERENCE including Joe Kuipers: -

    Andrew Hatton

  3. Thank you for making me laugh